Lai Mohammed: The Second Coming Of The Masquerade Man

Lai Mohammed has a simple explanation for his second coming – Muhammadu Buhari trusts the masquerade man (Lai Mohammed). Of course when a man “lies-in-state” the way Lai Mohammad does, he is bound to be trusted by the man he is “lai-ing” for. In this case Muhammadu Buhari. Fortunately for the lucky son of thunder, everything the President knows about the media can be put on a mask and you would still have enough space to put the mask on your face and undertake a masquerade dance.

Additionally, every politician learns fast that just as you should never do away with the family doctor or lawyer, you should never do away with the family thug. The thug knows when to act and when not to act. Take the case of the chairman of Abak local government area in Akwa Ibom State. His thugs (or call them aides) cornered someone the chairman had been owing for over two years and gave him the beating of his life for insulting the chairman on Facebook by asking for his debt to be paid.

They told poor technician that by insulting the chairman of Abak Local Government Council, he was insulting the whole of the local government area. This they claimed was a sacrilege and worthy of “the capital offence.” Such loyal thugs are mighty difficult to come by, so when you identify one (especially one who is as loyal to you as foofoo is to ewedu soup ) you appoint him into office again and again and again.

Another important point is that the trust (of Lai Mohammed) is justified because there is no research support for the public opinion that the President is too busy to bother himself with reading newspaper, listening to radio or watching television. It is enough trouble for the president to read speeches at public events. Of course the president has a chief of staff who reads widely and would understand media issues keep ministers in line.

The chief of staff also knows a lot about what is happening in the world. It is presumed that he knows most of the presidents of the countries of this green world including that of West Germany (sorry, Germany). Whatever the President does not know is the fault of the chief of staff. He should tell the president everything – including where the president’s certificates are.

Anyhow, Lai Mohammed has his work cut out for him. The present state of affairs is a big advantage for good, old Lai Mohammed. He could, whenever, he has the ears of the president explain to him in elastic terms how he put the rainbow in the sky or how he amplified the roar of the thunders across West Africa. Lai has the gift of the garb and an uncanny ability to give you the kind of answer that could cause you to forget the question.

He was the one who came up with the most brilliant idea on economic diversification in the history of the nation. The  idea  was so brilliant that if it had been implemented, Nigeria would now have been a first world country. The idea, according to Lai Mohammed, ‘If this masquerade is well-packaged, it can provide in one week for more than 1000 young men.’

He was maintaining in the first few months of his first coming as a Minister of Information that dressing masquerades could provide for millions of Nigerians every week. Poor Lai! He expected this brilliant idea to win him the Nobel Prize for Economics. He expected the lazy Nigerian universities to rush and offer degrees like Bachelor of Science in Masquerade Dressing, Bachelor of Arts in Masquerade Designs etc. But alas the universities have been too lazy to do anything more than go on strike. So far work had not been done in this area and Lai Mohammed’s ingenious and innovative idea is still languishing in the secret places of his mind.

But Mohammed is not one to dwell too long on yesterday’s failures or Nigerians’ apathy for brilliant ideas. He has other thoughts and he is moving on. The greatest virtue of this great gentleman is that when he talks he does not care whether anyone is listening.

He has come up with something else, “Today, if anybody listens to what is being said on some radio or television stations, you will think that this country is at war or that Christians actually cannot live with Muslims or that there is a dichotomy between the North and the South. I think we need to appeal to you to use your platforms for the unity and cohesion of the country,” he said when some members of the Broadcasting Organization of Nigeria (BON) paid him a courtesy call.

Mohammed ought to apply the masquerade ideology to what is happening in Nigeria. The media does not dress the masquerade or decide the route of the masquerade. The media only follows the masquerade and reports on its whereabouts. The media is not responsible for the killings by Fulani herdsmen. The media is not responsible for the callous murder of policemen by compromised soldiers.

The media is not responsible for Boko Haram, which was said to be technically defeated, launching a new wave of attacks and capturing territories. The media simply reports what is going on and talk to people about what is going. If the “masquerades” do not go out, the media would have nothing to report.

I guess it is up to Lai Mohammed to dress the “masquerades” in the government and ensure that the nationwide bloodshed stops. If he succeeds in this he could make millions and become a rich man. Then his idea would have a second look.

The post Lai Mohammed: The Second Coming Of The Masquerade Man appeared first on Independent Newspapers Nigeria.